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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24930061">I can feel but I can't say</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Altcravity/pseuds/Altcravity'>Altcravity</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Cravity (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Christmas Eve, Holidays, Journal, M/M, Winter, first snow, gongtang, highschool, seongmin - Freeform, taeyoung, youngtae</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:14:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,053</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24930061</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Altcravity/pseuds/Altcravity</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Seongmin and Taeyoung grew up together and became best of friends. Both have hidden feelings, and there should be one courageous person to step up and make the both of them get out from the caged feelings they kept for a long time.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ahn Seongmin &amp; Kim Taeyoung, Ahn Seongmin/Kim Taeyoung, gongtang - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I can feel but I can't say</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I tried doing non slow burn fic and it's gongtang!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sunny afternoon, surrounded by green plants, empty benches and loud busy corridors. Seongmin sitting alone in one of their school garden’s small gazebo, with different pens and a beautifully designed journal diary he’s keeping since then. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m sorry for making you wait” A tall boy entered the gazebo panting from running “The line in the faculty office is so long” he said as he sat beside Seongmin, who started to fix <br/>his things</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s fine, I got distracted by my writing ideas too” He replied and stand “Do you want to rest first or let’s go now?” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Let’s go” the boy said and put his arms around Seongmin’s shoulder before walking their way home</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That is Kim Taeyoung, my seatmate, classmate, neighbor, childhood best friend and my first love. Our mothers are best friends too, reason why we are also inseparable. He’s fun and enjoyable to be with, unlike me, I’m shy and reserved, reason why he never leaves my side. Quoting his words “We’ve been together since birth, why would I leave the other half of my life?” even if he’s months older than me. He’s also one of the visual picks in our campus, boys and girls likes him, who wouldn’t? He’s humorous, friendly, jolly, smart and kind. He’s somewhat dumb but it’s fine, he’s my dumb---</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Seongmin-a” he closed his notebook when he hear a soft knock from his bedroom door and it slowly opened, revealing his mom, already in in her sleeping robe and anti-aging face mask she always uses for her beautifully aging skin “Taeyoung is downstairs, looking for you. Do you have any plans?” she asked</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t think so, I’ll just ask him why” he said and stood from his study table seat “Sleep now, mom. I’ll just lock the door after” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sure, son. Don’t forget to turn the lights off before going upstairs” Mrs. Ahn replied before opening the master’s bedroom “Goodnight, Seongmin. I love you”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Goodnight, mom. I love you too! Sleep well” he smiled and proceed to go downstairs, seeing Taeyoung comfortably lying on their living room couch</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ya! It’s past 8 pm, what are you doing here?” Seongmin whined and watch Taeyoung sit properly </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m hungry” Taeyoung replied</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Don’t you have a house? Or food at home? I’m going to tell Aunt Kim to go for groceries” he said before walking to the door, but a hand grabbed his wrist to make him stop “What!? You already finished my cereals!” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I did not mean cereals or house food! I want McDonald’s!” Taeyoung whined back</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Then go home and have it delivered!” but the latter did not listen to him anymore, Taeyoung just grabbed him out from their house and only let go when they’re far enough for Seongmin to go back</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What the hell!?” the only thing Seongmin can say while caressing his wrist “You did not even let me change my slippers! And I did not even have my padding with me!” hugging himself. The thin fabric of his pajamas did not even warm his body from the cool breeze of night pre-winter wind </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Taeyoung laughed at the sight of grumpy Seongmin in Pajamas and bunny house slippers. He removed the other sleeve of his large black padding coat and walk near Seongmin, wrapping him the other side of the coat “Insert your right arm at the sleeve, let’s share” he laughed, gaining a glare from the other who can’t do anything anymore and just followed the boy</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You really like picking on me huh?” Seongmin said as they are walking to the fast food located at the next blocks</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Nawp. I just like you” the boy casually replied, making Seongmin blush and followed by a comfortable silence</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why don’t you eat?” Taeyoung asked the boy infront of him who’s just watching him eat, hugging himself while wearing his black padding</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s night already, I’ll get bloated tomorrow” Seongmin replied and just sip on his orange juice “Too salty” pointing the fries and burger infront of them using his mouth, gaining an eye-roll from Taeyoung whose munching burger and fries together “Ya! Eat properly!” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The two spent an hour talking about random things at the fast food place. Taeyoung decided to eat the food he ordered for Seongmin, who’s really conscious about his looks and body. Both of them talked about the funny unforgettable things they did before and even academics.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Oh shit!” Seongmin suddenly said in the middle of their laughter about Taeyoung’s story “I did not lock the door!” he continued, making Taeyoung eyes wide open</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You look like a night owl!” Seongmin immediately said, making the two forgot the problem and laugh again, teasing each other</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Thank you for coming with me! Goodnight!” Taeyoung said watching Seongmin to enter their house</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I did not come voluntarily! You forced me! Anyway, goodnight and sweet dreams” he said and quietly close the door. He scans the entire house first before turning off the lights and go to his room to sleep. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Where are you?” Taeyoung asked on the other line “I’ve been in the gazebo and I did not see you there” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m in library, where are you? Just wait me there” Seongmin said while browsing the books he’s going to borrow</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m near the school gates. Are you sure you don’t want me to go there? Books might be heavy for you to carry alone” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No need, I only borrowed one” he replied while signing on the library card </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Okay, I’ll wait you here. Don’t run, I saw the cleaner mopping a while ago, you might slip” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Yes, sir!” he said before outing down the phone with a smile on his face, light pink slowly tinting his white soft cheeks</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’s almost near the school gates when he saw Taeyoung smiling while holding a blue flower bouquet and a shy girl infront of him. Another brave person confessing to his best friend. He goes near the two that he can hear how the girl confess his admiration to the latter who immediately saw him coming </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uh? Thank you for the flowers and courage. My best friend is here already, and I think we need to go” Taeyoung said and scratch his nape, looking at Seongmin, asking for help to get away from the awkward situation he’s facing</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seongmin who doesn’t even know what do, panicking inside his head. The girl turned to him and waited for him to say something</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Uh…Youngtae, your mom called, he needs you to accompany her for grocery shopping” Seongmin said while his brain still in panic</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“See! Thank you again and I appreciate your effort!” Taeyoung bowed and walk towards Seongmin </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So you like blue flowers now? You like her? She’s pretty” Seongmin tease while they’re walking home side to side</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I still like roses” the latter replied and glance at the bouquet he’s holding “And you” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Flowers are expensive this coming season, it’s almost winter and flower prices will rise up too. Glad that you accept her gift” redirecting the topic and ignoring Taeyoung’s words. Not because he doesn’t want to hear it, but because he is scared. He’s scared that Taeyoung only saying those things to tease him or because he’s just a precious friend for him. Seongmin likes hearing it a lot, but his mind and heart is not cooperating with each other. Maybe Taeyoung doesn’t like him that way and scarring their friendship because of that is the least thing he wants to happen</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You really keep ignoring my words huh” Taeyoung just laugh and let Seongmin change the topic</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Are you going on a vacation?” Taeyoung asked while pouring the milk in his cereals </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“No. Mom wants us to celebrate the holidays here at home” Seongmin replied, snatching the milk box from Taeyoung “You’re going to finish my cereals and milk again, don’t you have food at home?” he said and pour some in his cereals too</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Foods from other house tastes different” he said and walk to Ahn’s living room, getting the remote from the coffee table and browse movies “Your house is also more comfortable than ours. Let’s watch horror, come here!” calling Seongmin who’s still in the kitchen while patting the seat beside him</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What gift do you want to receive this coming holiday?” Seongmin asked while the both of them are roaming around the mall after doing an errand for holiday eve</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hugs” Taeyoung replied, receiving a loud slap from Seongmin, he laughed “Anything you can give” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m going to give you a freaking tomato and don’t let that rot” Seongmin said and walk faster to go out of the mall, to central park to watch colorful lights made by the mall staffs</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Same time that Taeyoung came after walking after him, white small flakes from the sky started to fall. The first snow…with Taeyoung.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He felt an arm around his shoulder</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We’re always together every first snow” he heard Taeyoung speak beside him, still arms around his shoulder </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We’re always together even if it’s not snowing” Seongmin said and walk to the nearest bench in the middle of the park, Taeyoung followed him</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Do you always have to ignore my words?” he laughed painfully</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What are you saying?” denying and just stretched his arms to catch the falling snowflakes</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I keep telling you that I like you” Taeyoung also stretch his hands “And you always change the topic, isn’t that sign ignoring me?” and he grab Seongmin’s hand he’s using to catch the snow “I like you, Ahn Seongmin” interwinding their fingers</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seongmin just look at their intertwined fingers and digest Taeyoung’s words. This is Taeyoung, his best friend, his first crush and first love, confessing to him on first snow, under the beautiful lights that are hanging on the trees. Magical, effortless and felt sincere. He closed his eyes and did not say anything, lets go of their intertwined fingers</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Seongmin--” Taeyoung’s about to hold Seongmin so he can’t leave but Seongmin grabbed him first and run with their fingers slowly interwinding again, the latter don’t know what to feel </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seongmin stopped as they reached the less crowded area of the park, lights are glowing magically, sound of cool wind blowing is clearly heard and facing the glowing water of the river </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I like you too, Kim Taeyoung” Seongmin said and smiled brightly to the shocked boy. Seongmin’s smile erased all his worries away since the confession, making his heart warm from the cold the winter gives and nervousness of his impulsive actions a while ago.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He pulled Seongmin to a hug and buried his face on the boy’s soft hair</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I already received the gift I want, Seongminie. You gave it to me beautifully” he said tightening the hug, the boy just laughed </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Is that it?” Seongmin teased “You’re so simple” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You did not know how many times I stopped myself from confessing, and whenever I have the chance, you’re dodging it away” Taeyoung let go of the hug and look at the smaller “You’re beautiful, wonderful, gorgeous and perfect. And I can’t help falling for that, falling for you”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Your room looks like there’s a fairy living here” Taeyoung said while touching the hanging fairy lights in Seongmin’s room. This is the first time Taeyoung entered Seongmin’s room, unlike him, Seongmin never lets anyone entered his room without his permission, and now Taeyoung admiring how neat and beautifully decorated Seongmin’s room. “Why did you tell me to come here?” he asked and sat on soft cushion chair on the floor, respecting Seongmin’s bed privacy</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m going to give you this” Seongmin opened a cabinet and pull out a familiar notebook, the one he always brings anywhere “It contains all of my feelings for you for the past years. I shouldn’t have given it earlier but I’m so happy that I forgot to buy you a gift” he smiled and hand him the notebook</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m going to read this at home” Taeyoung said and stand up to hug Seongmin “Merry Christmas, Seongminie. Thank you for making my holiday happier than before” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Merry Christmas, Youngtae. You make me the happiest person too!” </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I love you”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I love you more!” </p>
<p>And they let go of the hug to walk out of Seongmin’s room, and to celebrate Christmas eve with their parents together……</p>
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